Wednesday, 18 June 2014

One Year Ago Yesterday

One year ago yesterday everything changed,
You lost your battle with an unknown war, a hidden war, a terrifying never ending mass of inner turmoil,
And now you're gone. 
But we aren't.

An we're left here to ponder away, the what if's, the should have known's, the obviously not so obvious.
The thoughts are fleeting, the confusion still burns, probably not as hot as that cold water churns.

The sorrow, the pain, the embarrassment, the shame,
The finger pointing, the blame,
Nothing will ever feel the same.

What were you thinking, what weren't you thinking,
Were you smoking, drinking? While you were sinking, sinking,

Suicide is far from the solution, but knowledge is power.
You didn't have that knowledge, and you lost your war.
We miss you, we love you, and we wish we were more observant. 
p.s. Thanks for the sandwiches, steaks, and conversation.

One year ago my uncle jumped off of a pier and ended his life. He was under a tremendous amount of stress due to perceived money issues. He had always been an interesting person to talk with and he talked endlessly when provoked. 

He was often considered "lazy" by family and friends as he would get off work and just watch TV all night. Over the years the list of things he loved to do grew shorter. He stopped hunting, stopped fishing, stopped going to his friends to watch nascar or the baseball game. He stopped wanting to go to family events and when he was around others he'd sneak away and sleep in another room. He started to suffer from anxiety and paranoia but only his immediate family knew about it, they didn't know the full extent of his worries. The day before he killed himself he told his daughter he loved her, something very out of character(sadly).

If you know anyone who fits this description, talk to them and ask them if everything is alright. There is nothing worse then the feeling left after someone you love commits suicide, that feeling of "I knew something was off, why didn't I ask?" If you have ever had feelings of doubt, severe anxiety, and thought of suicide, PLEASE ask for help. My uncle is not the first person I know to commit suicide, I had two friends in highschool do it too, and it sucked just as bad then as it does now. I will never have closure, my aunt and cousins will never have closure, neither will my uncle's siblings or his mother. Suicide sucks, it leave's a raw wound that fades but never heals. Your personal pain may end when you die, but your suicide stings for the rest of your friends and family's lives, please get help before making such a final decision. 

Sorry for the depressing post, but hopefully it helps someone else where my uncle couldn't be helped.


March June

Believe it or not it took the entire month of March to finally clear things up with my Mother. From the day I posted we spoke 3 times over the month; the first time, she tried to write off her boyfriends issues as someone else's fault/problem and to tell me she wasnt getting the job in town, the second time to tell me she was offered a different position in the store here, and the third time to tell me she was turning down the job here because they "low-balled" her and she was mysteriouly promoted in her current place of work. Let's just be clear, the month of March stressed me out to no end, and I didnt actually cut my mother out of my life after all. Huzzuh.

April was a month of anticipation as my due date was quickly(or not so quickly) approaching. Our baby girl was born safe and sound, one day after her estimated due date, at home with our wonderful midwives. My mother informed me a few days later that she would be coming to visit for the first full week of May. She didn't text me for 5 days so I asked her what her visit plans were when we skyped again and she said she would visit in June for a week(this was 6 days before she was apparently supposed to get here). Two days later she said she is coming for one week in July...make up your mind woman!

With my Mother's visit quickly approaching I have noticed that I'm starting to fall into this horrible habit I have, pulling out my hair, literally. I've done it most of my life, but never to the extent that I've been doing it over the last two years. I have actually created bald patches, it's annoying and embarassing. Luckily no one can see them but it makes me not want to go get my hair cut. I've at least identified that I have Trichotillomania, I told my husband, my brother, and a cousin about it. I've been trying to work on stopping myself and am looking into cognitive therapy for it because it's even harder to stop then biting my nails. I never realized how much all the stress I've been dealing with over the last 3-4 years has been affecting me until the hair pulling has come about, not fun!

I'm going to end this update here and make a separate post for what I want to get off my chest today as this post was actually started back in may. Sorry for anyone who reads but lets get serious here, this is an outlet not a money maker lol.