I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now in Toronto, it's a bit windy out but its still fairly mild. I had an appointment with a specialist due to a work related injury so I was flown here yesterday and don't leave until this evening, I have some time to kill!
After my last post I was really fighting through some of the accompanying emotions, my feelings regarding my mother never get any easier todeal with. I think I've come to the conclusion that regardless of whether I "confront" her or not things will continue to remain the same. She's always going to be full of empty promises, she's always going to be lost in some tug of war between her romantic relationships and her past, all while my siblings and I are left to watch from the sidelines. It's unfortunate and it's certainly unfair, but it's also reality.
I think my focus needs to be on myself and my own relationships, I need to be the kind of mother my mom can't be. I need to be reliable, dependable, and interested in my children. Having someone who is supposed to be your mom but after 27 years still just doesn't have a clue who you are as a person is amazingly frustrating, I can't afford to be that person and my kids deserve better then that.
I need to focus on being a good partner to my husband, it kills him to see me upset or lost in my thoughts over a woman who spends more time thinking about herself then anyone else. I'd much rather be present in a real and tangible relationship then be lost in something largely imaginary. I've spent more physical hours with my husband in the last 6.5 years then I've spent with my mother in the last 15 years so it's not really a question as to who deserves my attention and presence.
I need to spend more time with my dad, he can be a "selective asshole", but it's never towards my siblings and I, and its usually pretty hilarious. My dad was by no means perfect, there are some things about him I wish he'd change, particularly the drinking and his tendency to bring up my mother in discussion, but he's still the man who raised me. My son needs to spend more time with his grandpa, I want him and my other future children to have a good relationship with a very important man. Who knows, maybe more time with the grandkids will help my dad move on from the hurt my mother caused him, it's worth a try anyways.
I need and deserve to spend more time with me. When I am alone in my thoughts I need to be able to be at peace and not constantly plagued by this or that ordeal my mother has put me through. Like my dad I slip into the past too often, I need to just accept that things are what they are.
Acceptance...it's probably the hardest thing to reach in a difficult situation. It's one of those things that comes with time and a great deal of grief. The grief seems to be worth it though, you can't be upset when you're finally free to be happy.
Freedom, I need to be free.