Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Happy Travels

I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now in Toronto, it's a bit windy out but its still fairly mild. I had an appointment with a specialist due to a work related injury so I was flown here yesterday and don't leave until this evening, I have some time to kill!

After my last post I was really fighting through some of the accompanying emotions, my feelings regarding my mother never get any easier todeal with. I think I've come to the conclusion that regardless of whether I "confront" her or not things will continue to remain the same. She's always going to be full of empty promises, she's always going to be lost in some tug of war between her romantic relationships and her past, all while my siblings and I are left to watch from the sidelines. It's unfortunate and it's certainly unfair, but it's also reality.
Reality sucks.

I think my focus needs to be on myself and my own relationships, I need to be the kind of mother my mom can't be. I need to be reliable, dependable, and interested in my children. Having someone who is supposed to be your mom but after 27 years still just doesn't have a clue who you are as a person is amazingly frustrating, I can't afford to be that person and my kids deserve better then that.

I need to focus on being a good partner to my husband, it kills him to see me upset or lost in my thoughts over a woman who spends more time thinking about herself then anyone else. I'd much rather be present in a real and tangible relationship then be lost in something largely imaginary. I've spent more physical hours with my husband in the last 6.5 years then I've spent with my mother in the last 15 years so it's not really a question as to who deserves my attention and presence.

I need to spend more time with my dad, he can be a "selective asshole", but it's never towards my siblings and I, and its usually pretty hilarious. My dad was by no means perfect, there are some things about him I wish he'd change, particularly the drinking and his tendency to bring up my mother in discussion, but he's still the man who raised me. My son needs to spend more time with his grandpa, I want him and my other future children to have a good relationship with a very important man. Who knows, maybe more time with the grandkids will help my dad move on from the hurt my mother caused him, it's worth a try anyways.

I need and deserve to spend more time with me. When I am alone in my thoughts I need to be able to be at peace and not constantly plagued by this or that ordeal my mother has put me through. Like my dad I slip into the past too often, I need to just accept that things are what they are.'s probably the hardest thing to reach in a difficult situation. It's one of those things that comes with time and a great deal of grief. The grief seems to be worth it though, you can't be upset when you're finally free to be happy.

Freedom, I need to be free.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

New Year, Same Old Story

A couple of years ago I made the mistake of buying into the possibility  that my mom would be moving back to my city. I have made the same mistake repeatedly over the years, buying into something she mentions that she hasn't thought through, only to get my hopes up for something I knew would never happen. Story of my life!

Last Spring my mom brought up her annually announced desire to move back to my city, after the incident from the spring before I knew better then to read into it. Fast forward to this past November and my Mom decides that she's tired of living so far away...again. She brought it up several times and in December mentioned she noticed a job listing locally she was planning on applying for. Now, I know not to buy into her whims, and I didn't think that anything would become of this particular whim, but I made the mistake of telling my brother about it. He, of course, got really excited and texted my mom a few questions and then she let him know she had an interview over skype coming up. Surprise, surprise, the interview fell through and my brother immediately fell into a 3 day anxiety ridden depression. I felt like an idiot because I should have never told him about our moms supposed plans, especially with the holidays.

A week later my mom texted my brother that the interview was rescheduled for the 30th, yet again my brother starts getting excited. Now, prior to this whole apparent job prospect my mom had mentioned more then once that if she came back it would probably be alone, her boyfriend couldnt come last time so she didnt think he could come this time (this admission, that there's some "obscure" reason why her boyfriend can't leave the province, re-ignites the silent rage I have inside over finding out he's some kind of life long criminal that is currently on probation, a fact she has yet to personally tell me...$%#*&!). My brother had offered my mom a place to stay since she'd be alone, he was not just opening his heart to her, but opening his home as well, another heart breaking reason for me to feel terrible about even mentioning things in the first place.

Over the weekend my mom texted me and asked to skype, I obliged as I hadn't spoken to her since the first week of December, we texted on her birthday and Christmas but that was it. I asked her how her interview went and she was hesitant but mentioned she had a second interview coming up. I told her that sounded promising and then she sighed a bit and mentioned her "back-up" plan. She talked about taking a certificate program at the college, one that would help her attain a  higher level position in her line of work. Now, sometimes, more like all the time, my mom thinks she can pull a fast one on me, little does she know I'm a master at reading body language and can decipher any amount of pure bullshit told to me, for that I can thank my dad. My mom told me that the certificate she wants to take is offered at the college where I live as well as where she lives. She then went on to explain that she could take it in either college but that the college in my city has mature students that can audit but not recieve the certificate. Honest to God, if I could have slapped her in the face through the tv I would have. I'm 27, I've been to University, I know what auditing is, and anyone can do it, but to be considered a mature student means you're a registered and paying student. What my mom was trying to do was convince me that it would be better for her to take the course at her local college. This is why honesty is the best policy, you never know who has a functioning and highly accurate bullshit-ometre.

What all this round about garbage about college means is that even if my mom was offered this job, she would turn it down and stay in her city. Yet again, she spoke before she thought about it, and yet again a "definitely, maybe" has become another "maybe not". I'm just so sick and tired of playing coy with my mom, I can't hold in all this anger towards her without eventually exploding. I already apologized to my brother, I explained that I should have never told him because I knew from the moment it was mentioned that our mom was not coming back. What really bogs me down is the fact I even feel the need to apologize for my mom's behaviour, it's just exhausting thinking about it. My husband is also pissed off at my mom again, he doesn't really care for her for various related reasons but he particularly loathes the way she leads myself and my brothers on.

The fact is I'm tired of pretending I don't know what's really going on, I shouldn't pretend either because it just makes my mom more confident about her ridiculous excuses. I'm tired of feeling the need to explain why my mom does what she does, I too need to stop making excuses for her. Maybe this is the year I get a back bone and say what needs to be said, about everything, no more beating around the bush and worrying about her feelings(She certainly doesn't worry about ours).

Then again, maybe it's not.